I ate Peter
by BlackElectric
Summary: One-shot. 'When the slut-girl got to his table Severus was sitting in the shadows in a mysterious fashion. "Welcome" he whispered. "I...I can't see you" she stammered. "Sorry." Snape turned the frilly lamp on next to him.' Not to be taken siriously!


**A/N: I wanted to have a go at a parody, so here it is. **

**Included are just a few of the things I've seen in some fics that make me laugh, and occasionally squirm.**

**Don't take anything too seriously though because I'm just as guilty of ostracising Peter or adding in random non canon characters as the next person. **

**P.S. The authors notes are part of the parody and I did not at any point projectile vomit over my keyboard (yes, that sentence is in my story. Nice huh x)) I've been lucky enough to witness real life A/N's, with similar spellings I might add, so they couldn't possibly be left out.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or anything associated.**

* * *

**I 'Ate Peter**

"I agree with James!" Peter shouted randomly.

Tumbleweed rolled across the Great Hall, as it always did when the brainless lardy boy spoke.

None of the other Marauders ever paid any attention to him for he was small and fat and they all deeply regretted being best friends with him in canon. (A/N: I frickin ate peter)

xXx

Suddenly a very attractive, but altogether no good, random French exchange student came over. As always in these situations no-one questioned who the hell she was.

"Hi guys, I'm here to fight Lily for the place of James' sole love interest," she explained.

Without looking up Remus silently pointed her to Severus.

"Oh sorry," she giggled flirtatiously and ran stupidly over to Severus.

"Who was that…?" James said, eating as usual. "I like the look of her dense, sluttish ways." James seemed to think on it for a moment whilst chewing irritatingly noisily.

"I might even date her for a while I think" he continued, bits of food flying from his mouth as he spoke.

A bit of half chewed parsnip flopped up Peter's fat cheek.

James finally swallowed, "Of course I'll finally come to my senses at the last minute in a startling realisation that Lily is, and always will be, my one true love."

"Yeah" Remus continued easily, "but by that time everyone will be wondering if you're too late and a heart stopping will she/won't she sequence will ensue."

James looked a bit worried. "You mean she might say no?"

"Oh no" Remus assured, "no matter how many random girl's you snog in front of her face she'll always forgive you."

James was relieved and carried on stuffing his face.

xXx

When the slut-girl got to his table, Severus was sitting in the shadows in a mysterious fashion.

"Welcome" he whispered.

"I...I can't see you" she stammered.

"Sorry." Snape turned the frilly lamp on next to him.

When he saw his paid decoy, he looked her over sneeringly.

"You do realise you're late?" he drawled in the most nasally voice possible. "You were supposed to be here last week. James has already tricked Lily into two dates with him since then."

For some reason no other girl seemed to show a genuine interest in James, even though he was handsome, popular, clever and funny.

This had meant Snape had to resort to hired help.

"You'll have to work extra hard now to make it believable that he might choose you; a stupid slut girl, over Lily; an intelligent beauty. Even though he NEVER will… (Even in non- canon fanfics.)"

The French exchange girl, whose name didn't matter because she was such a man-stealing whore, hitched her already short skirt up higher until it resembled a belt. "Hmm" she squeaked, pleased with herself. "Much better."

She plonked her arse on the cold leather seat to wait for Lily to arrive so she could flirt with James right in her face.

She and Snape played snap to pass the time.

"Snap!" The slut-face giggled gleefully.

"No!" Snape shouted horrified. "You have not beaten me because…because my hand is touching the card and yours isn't. Aha, who is the master now!"

"But you didn't say snap…"

"Avada Kedavra!" Snape cursed her ass. He then remembered he had paid five galleons for her to flirt pointlessly with James. "Crap."

He turned the lamp off again.

xXx

While they were all busy ignoring Peter, (A/N: i jus projectile vomitid on my keybord cos i had to rite his name) Lily came over to the Marauders table.

Lily hated the lot of them. Except Remus of course, because he was clever and everyone knows all clever people are friends with each other.

Unfortunately, because Remus didn't speak unless spoken to -out of politeness- Lily was forced to leave immediately in silence.

Once she had gone James cursed his randomly invisibility cloaked-self. If he had only been visible, he would've been able to put his foot in it and nearly wreck their chances of ever going serious for the hundredth time.

James then felt a hand brush his invisible thigh. "Who's that?" he asked shocked.

"It's me" Sirius grinned at James. "I found out today that I secretly harboured romantic feelings for you during our teenage years when we were platonic best friends"

"Oh" James commented, mildly surprised.

"Apparently two boys can't be just best friends. One _always_ fancies the other," Sirius reasoned. "Just look at Brokeback Mountain…"

Sirius shrugged before continuing, "…and you'd think that would be enough proof I bat for the other side, but that's not all! A little birdie told me I'll be single all throughout my time in Azakaban; during my years in hiding _and_ _even_ when I have to spend 24/7 trapped in a house in my own. If you ask me, that just screams 'gay'"

The two friends kissed passionately in front of everyone.

One girl screamed. Others wolf whistled, obviously appreciating the romantic scene.

One boy shouted, "told you two boys cant be friends without one fancying the other!"

His male friend glanced furtively at him.

xXx

Sirius then noticed there was someone different about James. Had he changed his glasses?

It was something else,_ but he couldn't quite put his finger on it._

Remus spooned some variety of stodgy English food onto his plate.

It was an English favourite; a big lump of dough covered in thick lumpy gravy.

_Hmmm, _Remus thought, licking his dough from his lips._ It's so stodgy and stereotypically English._

It was while watching Remus eat his nutritious English dough that it came to Sirius what was different about James; he was invisible!

Sirius slapped his thigh and laughed heartily at his revelation. How had he not noticed before?

Then he realised that most people portrayed his character as dense, naïve and occasionally wacky, and put it down to that.

"Duh, hang on a second Prongs, you aint 'splained why you wearing you invisible cloak. We only in Great Hall eatin brekfas." Sirius said slowly, for he truly was stupid, despite getting some of the best results in his year.

James shot him an invisible look. "We're eating dinner Padfoot, not breakfast, and I just thought it might make us seem more interesting if I were to, say, hide under here at periodic intervals" he shrugged, helping himself to minted potatoes.

"Oh…" Sirius said stupidly, before being distracted with the food. "Mmm, minty 'tatoes"

xXx

After a period of doing nothing but eat like normal people, Sirius decided to put a stop to it and turned to James to discuss carrots.

As he did, Sirius noticed a boy sitting on his invisible friends lap, apparently helping himself to James's potatoes. The boy obviously hadn't seen James.

Sirius was about to question why James hadn't done anything about it, but it was at this point Sirius realised where all the rumours about them had come from.

Instead he turned to talk to 'rational Remus', but was slightly surprised to find a fully-fledged werewolf in his place.

"Oh no!" Sirius cried. "Quick Peter, get Dumbledore! I know I secretly knew you were a traitor all along and hated you for it, but you must get him now! Remus has transformed early to suit the plot!"

"Nah, its alright mate" Remus assured, face full of fur. "I'm a _friendly _werewolf, 'member?"

"…Oh yeah" said Sirius, placated once more. "Sorry. I forgot"

xXx

After they had eaten, James, Sirius, Remus the werewolf and Peter (A/N: i cant even look at timothy spall anymor) all made their way out of the Great Hall up to the Common Room.

No one else in the Hall seemed bothered by the fact Remus was a werewolf and he casually greeted them as the three friends and the -A/N: STUPID, GEEKY, SAUSAGE-BOY!- exited the hall.

"Come one Siri" Remus said. "Let's go make out in the Shrieking Shack."

"I've told you before" Sirius replied, annoyed. "Don't call me Siri! We already have nicknames, there's really no need for it! WHY MUST YOU INSIST ON DOING THAT?"

"I'll let you touch my werewolf fur. "

"Fine" Siri relented.

Remus was satisfied and held out his hand. "You may call me Remi" he smiled.

By this time Jami and Pet…i…had conveniently disappeared; perhaps to make out also.

So Siri and Remi left the hall hand in hand, because they were now avid lovers. (When Remus married and had a kid in his 30's, it had made him physically sick.)

As the two star struck lovers, Siri and Remi, made their way to the Shrieking Shack, all that could be heard was Sirius' occasional 'wacky' outburst. "S-Soggy towels!"

Remus patted his friend on the head. "That's right Sirius, soggy towels…now try not to speak too much. It puts me off."


End file.
